DEATH OF A CHILD

"How many children do you have?" What do I say, "four" or "five"? " "Five" I usually say. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I do not."
Nicholas Wolterstorff
Lament For A Son p.62

Age doesn't matter. A child is a child. Wolterstorff's son was twenty-five. He could have been three, or sixteen . . . or 60 . . . or unborn. It's a pain I can't imagine and one I don't want to.

Lament For A Son is an incredible book. Unlike many grief books, it owns few pages and those pages own few words. I've always wondered at even 150 pages. Who, with endless tears and a pain in their chest, can read word after word after word with answers that maybe worked for "someone?"

Nicolas Wolterstorff writes from the middle of his grief. How does one answer, "Will the whole family be home for Easter?" How does one pray for protection for his remaining children when . . . one somehow escaped the protection that was prayed for him? How does one repond to people who are afraid that they, themselves, will break down -- but instead, put on a brave face? Wolterstorff would say, "Your tears are salve on our wound, your silence is salt."

However, he would also say that if you can't think of anything to say, say that: "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that i'm hurting with you."

Whatever my trial might be, my heart sighs with relief and great appreciation when I pick up a book and read words that mirror my feelings. SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS! When they makes themselves vulnerable by sharing their pain and their faith questions, I don't feel so alone. I don't feel so picked on. I actually experience a seed of hope being watered with an ever-so-gentle rain. 

Whether you've experienced the overwhelming grief of losing a child -- or of anyone you love, I think you will find comfort and encouragement in Wolterstroff's book. And for sure, you will better understand how to minister to those with iron weights on their heart. 

Whether grieving myself--or trying to bring comfort to someone whose heart is torn with grief, I find myself  . . . 

Utterly Dependent on Him Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

DIY REVIVAL

" . . . Gypsy's (Gypsy Smith: old time evangelist) secret was revealed to a delegation of revival seekers, who asked him how God could use them just as He was using Gypsy. Without hestitation, Gypsy said, "Go home. Lock yourself in your room. Kneel down in the middle of the floor, and with a piece of chalk draw a circle around yourself. There, on your knees, pray fervently and brokenly that God would start a revival within that circle."
Mark Batterson
The Circle Maker p.217

I admit, I started "The Circle Maker" with undisguised reservation. I expected another hokey, non-Biblical gimmick for prayer. But, I have to say, I learned much about seeking God's will and persevering.

I began (Discipline has to begin, and sometimes grows slowly.) to pray very specifically for people and situations--using God's Word as my guide. This morning, I added yet another Scripture prayer for myself. I felt like this prayer experiment was failing. My intention was to pray for "others."

Then I remembered the above story. Perhaps I was on the right track after all. The Scripture I added to my prayer journal, for myself, was John 15: 4-5. I'm asking God to help me abide in Him, that I might bear fruit. I pray Psalm 1: 1-3 for my daughter and myself--again for help in meditating on God's Word that we might bear fruit.

For a week or so, I've been praying from Jeremiah 10:24: Correct me, but with justice; not in your anger . . . and from Proverbs 3: 11-12 asking God to help me to not despise His chastening or detest His correction, because those are proof of His love.

So, it seems that God "has" been highlighting verses and directing my prayers. It seems, as Gypsy Smith has suggested, that God wants revival to begin in me. My prayer journal isn't too far off. It's becoming a Do It Yourself Revival.

God, may it be so, and yet know that I cannot really do it myself because I am . . .

Utterly Dependent on You, Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME

"If you want to see us, you know where to find us."
Mom

Mom and Dad bought a trailer and spent warm-weather-weekends parked in a campground near Hayward, Wisconsin--3 hours away from us. "If you want to see us, you know where to find us." At the time, Mom's words hurt. My husband's back injury prevented us from traveling 3 hours there and 3 hours back. And, we couldn't afford to stay overnight.

That being said, Mom's expression isn't uncommon, and it may be understood two different ways: "I'm there for you, wherever, whenever. . . (Or) . . . I'm only semi-available."

In my early twenties, Mom invited me to call collect (reverse the charges) whenever I wanted to. I took advantage of that many many times; often in tears. She was always there. She paid to listen to me cry! She was a woman of wisdom, and she paid to share it with me.

Today, I have a friend who listens to silence while tears fall down my face, and when gasping for breath won't let me talk. Our relationship says, from either of us to the other, "If you need me, you know where to find me." I text. She texts back: "Need to talk? Can we take a couple minutes to pray?"

"If you need me . . . you know where to find me."

I can't help think about my relationship with God--My side and His. I'm afraid that sometimes, though I'd never say it out loud, my attitude is, "If You want me, You know where to find me." It's not that He is unimportant to me . . . it's just that I've got so much to do. My list is . . . long.

Then I think of God. What a different story! 

"Come near to Me and I will come near to you." (James 4:8 NIV slightly paraphrased)

"He who keeps you will not slumber. " (Psalm 121: 3b NKJV)

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NIV)

No matter the time--No matter the situation--good news, bad news, tears, smiles, just to spend time with Him--He's there. Always there!

I need only to whisper the name of Jesus or turn my thoughts toward God, and He is there; ever allowing me to be . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

NOT AFRAID TO LAUGH

" All these years her immediate reaction has been to throw herself on the Lord and the Scriptures. As a child I (Gigi) remember her leaving her Bible open in a prominent place, so she could just get a verse every now and then."
Hanspeter Nuesch
Ruth and Billy Graham  p. 108

No matter what part of the world Billy was in, he also kept his Bible open. For him, an open Bible expressed his desire to stay connected to God.

Yet, with Ruth and Billy's serious committment to God's Word, Cliff Barrows and his wife portray Ruth as a woman who was "tremendously fun." Ruth's childhood is described as a happy one. "The Bells (Ruth's family) laughed a lot; this positive atmosphere had a great deal to do with the parents' strong faith."

How often do you associate laughter with faith? Yet, if we trust God with the details of our lives, rather than thinking that "we" have to fix every problem of our own and everyone else's, won't the absence of worry give room for laughter?

And if laughter punctuates our days, won't we be easier to live with? And won't unbelievers more likely be drawn to us? Won't WE be happier?

A picture of Ruth, from an earlier book about the Grahams, comes to mind. She is climbing on the roof to get to Franklin's room. As I recall, Franklin's door was locked and it was past time for him to get up. Ruth crawled along the roof, into his window, and threw water in his face. Please tell me you're laughing. I love that picture! My mom would too; only she'd be sorry that she didn't come up with the idea herself.

I want to follow Ruth's model--to be a serious student of God's Word--to be someone who, like her, is committed with every fiber of my being

YET

NOT AFRAID TO LAUGH!

And, I can if I remain . . .

Utterly Dependent On Him Who Is Utterly Dependable!
Lonnie

NOT DEFEND MYSELF?!

"His dependence on God also allowed him to remain calm even when criticized. Graham once noted in his diary that his greatest victory was that his Lord had given him the strength not to defend himself but to pray for those who criticized him unjustly. He usually felt a deep peace as a result."
Hanspeter Nuesch
Ruth and Billy Graham   p. 98


Not defend myself?! I can't even imagine. In fact, I've warned my husband and a couple friends whose opinions I greatly value: "I WILL defend myself. BUT given a little time, I'll think about what you've said and likely change my actions/behavior."

Even as I write this, I've been criticized--unjustly. I did defend myself. And I'm still defending myself--in my mind. I am NOT experiencing the peace that Billy experiences. Because I haven't turned it over to God. I haven't prayed for that person.

But it's not too late. I'll start TODAY.  

Ruth and Billy very intentionally refrained from participating in the criticism of spiritual brothers and sisters. Ruth felt that "Satan trembles when he sees the weakest believer upon his knees but that he laughs without restraint when saints bash other saints." 

The Graham's response to attacks, toward them, was to turn the matter over to God and go about the ministry God had called them to.

We've heard it said that "we" are the only Bible some people will read. In reading this incredible book by Hanspeter Nuesch, I'm getting a real sense of what that looks like. Millions have been blessed by the ministry of the whole Graham family; but I suspect the greater blessing might be in the way they lived their lives behind the mininstry.

I expect to spend a couple or few blogs with the Grahams. I've so much to learn from them. And what I write about, I remember.

As I close today's blog,  I remind myself that I cannot live this Christian life in my own power. I was never meant to. I am created to be . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him Who Is  Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

UTTERLY DEPENDENT

"If I am prayerful, God makes me prayerful; if I have graces, they are God's gifts to me; if I hold a consistent life, it is because He upholds me with His hand . . . Do I live before men a consecrated life? It is not I, but Christ who liveth in me . . . Do I feed on the Word? That Word would be no food for me unless the Lord made it food for my soul and helped me to feed upon it."
Charles Spurgeon
Morning By Morning

I am both encouraged and convicted.

The conviction is familiar: pride.

As a new Christian, I was apparently (and rightly) told that I needed to memorize God's Word. Well, I was a poor student. I still am. That's why I "buy" books . . . so I can underline, highlight, and write notes in the margin. That's also why I work at the library. I can take books for a test-drive and not waste money on ones that head different directions than I expect.

At any rate, in those early Christian days, I asked God to help me read the Bible so much that it would become very familiar. I imagine that I miss Bible reading no more than one day a year. And, sometimes, I wonder how people can struggle so to have a Quiet Time. But you see . . . my Bible reading, my consistency is a Prayer Answer! Spurgeon would agree: "Whatever I have, all my goodness is of the Lord alone."

David would agree: "My goodness is nothing apart from You." (Ps. 16: 2b)

I can take no credit. I can offer up much thanksgiving to the God who makes my life rich with His Word.

I'm encouraged, too. The Christian life requires many disciplines--many of which I fail miserably. But if God is the Source; if He gives the strength and ability. I am not hopeless. I am just growing. I am just . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him Who Is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

FOR CHARACTER'S SAKE?

" . . . I've yet to find Jesus saying to the afflicted, 'The reason you suffer from hemorrhage  (or paralysis or leprosy) is that God is working to build your character.' Jesus did not lecture such people; he healed them."

Philip Yancey
The Question That Never Goes Away

I would love your thoughts on this one.

 I don't remember the exact context of sermons, but I may have left church with the impression that the crises of my life were, indeed, for my character building. And it seemed that Romans 5: 3-4 provided further proof:

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

So, part of me agreed with Yancey; a large part of me wanted to. But, there was still that verse . . .

I re-read Yancey's page a few times. He even mentioned Romans 5; but he did so from a different angle.

"When they wrote to believers who were unjustly persecuted for their faith, Paul, James, and Peter stressed suffering's redemptive value (emphasis mine).

I think I can deal with that. What seems to change is the origin of the struggle--the suffering. From one side, God causes the struggle to produce character. From the the other side, He uses the struggle for our good.

In the last two or three years, I've heard more and read more about the Christian Struggle. As strange as it sounds, I've been encouraged. I guess I have begun to take the pain less personally--less like God is picking on me.

While I reread and rethink Yancey's words, I ponder the change it makes in my relationship with God. Who I am more likely to approach? Who am I more likely to feel loved by? Who will I be more desirous of pleasing? I think the God of compassion and infinite understanding, rather than the one who causes pain to "teach me a lesson."

God, You are amazing and I am . . .

Utterly and Gratefully Dependent on You,

Lonnie