"In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes from achievement.
"Our fear of failure helped us to be irresponsible . . . "
Karen Casey
Each Day A New Beginning
Okay, this is NOT where I planned to go. I've been reading an incredible book by Philip Yancy. I perused my underlines and prayed about what I should post today. The sense I got was that I was looking at the wrong book.
I have keys in all my journals: P for prayer, PA for prayer answer, etc., etc., and UT for Ultra Transparency--for times when I'm just putting me out there, without mascara and blush, if you will. This entry qualifies for UT.
House Projects. They are NOT done.
A man from CODA (Codependents Anonymous) got me to thinking. He shared how he procrastinated with certain things because he was afraid he wouldn't like the outcome. Oh wow! Got that right!
I'd realized, already, that I had several craft projects, unfinished. Why? I had put SO MUCH time into them, what if I screwed up (irrepairably) at the very end? Well, I suppose not finishing prevents screw-ups; but it also prevents using the quilt or shawl that I've started.
As I read the above quote, I thought of house projects. One of our undone projects is carpet. We've needed it for a good decade. But . . . what if? The What Ifs will get you every time.
What if we choose the wrong colour? We cannot afford a redo; we'll be stuck with ugliness forever. OR, what if we pick poor quality? Then it "won't" last "forever," which of course is our hope and intention.
Codependents often don't trust their decisions. Add to that, I grew up with, "If you don't take care of this one, you won't get another." Unfortunately, I put those words in God's mouth. I expect that if I do something wrong, punishment and shame are sure to follow.
But Good News! God's been growing me for years toward seeing Him as a loving Father. And now, CODA is helping me recognize the roots of some of my thoughts so that I can pull them out and replace them with truth.
Speaking of which . . . CODA starts in 15 minutes. Gotta Run. Till next time, I am . . .
Utterly Dependent on Him (and He is Utterly Dependable),
Lonnie
