BLOG NO MORE--AT LEAST FOR A WHILE

Good Morning.

Walking season is here--my favorite prayer position.

I love blogging. Learning something new thrills me. Discovering authors who are artists of words, instead of paint, excite me as well. But both are only half the fun when not shared. Yet, as mentioned . . .

Walking/praying season is here--and this is election year. Prayer IS needed!

I'm engaged in an online class.

I have neglected my sheep book.

I'm older and still working--with books, with people I love; but it takes time too.

Something has to go. I've more or less let any crafting go. Some cleaning and household projects, too . . . oops.

So for now, what has to go, is blogging. I may share fantastic insights or quotes on facebook. If you are interested and not "friended" please let me know.

Until I return, I am--As Always . . .

Utterly Dependent On Jesus Who Is Utterly Dependable!!
Lonnie

THEY HAVE YET TO WIN

"The people of God are tough. For centuries those who belong to the world have waged war against the way of faith, and they have yet to win."
Eugene Peterson
A Long Obedience In The Same Direction p. 126

I am enjoying, immensely, by study in Psalms. The above quote is such an encouragement to me. Within its context, it's even better, but I prefer to "borrow" words, not plagerize them.

Psalm 129 is where Peterson's thoughts originate from:

"They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained victory over me.
"Plowman have plowed my back and made their furrows long.
"But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked."
Psalm 129: 2-4

BE ENCOURAGED. We are on the winning team.

As always, I find myself . . .

Utterly Dependent,
Lonnie

WHEN DID I BECOME A PASSIONATE WOMAN?

 This morning, Ray and I watched Quincy—an old time favorite. I remember when I heard that Ray’s niece was going into forensic medicine; probably when Quincy was popular the first time. I thought, given her youth, I’d pursue the same thing. This morning those thoughts revisited my heart. I’d always been interested in medicine but the reason for the interest has undergone some transition.

I leaned toward medicine when I was in high school. Mom and Dad sent me to beauty school. I may or may not have been able to manage a medical program with chemistry as its base; mom didn’t think I could. But . . . I remember the part of cosmetology that I enjoyed most: biology; anatomy. Forensics and the truths it holds, had I known of them then, might have captured my attention. In that decade of my life, compassion and helping others were probably more my focus; and I don’t think I’ve lost those. I think they were the birth-point of my “passion.”

But, today, truth—be it pleasant or hard, holds my heart’s attention.

I am overcome with the desire for truth to be known. Truth, honestly, makes me cry. Not because it’s always bad truth—but because it is so precious to me.

Recently, Ray and I have gotten into Heat of the Night, another old time TV program. I’ve come to tears a few times when someone quotes Scripture; when Christianity is freely and sincerely expressed. Something not seen much in TV today. Truth! It’s worth a tear or three.

I’m guessing, at one time, truth would have crushed me. Truth about relationships—truth about my children—truth about mistakes I’ve made—truths within my family of origin—truths about intentions (my own or someone else’s). I’d like to say I underwent instant change when I became a Christian; when truth “should” hold high priority; when I could take any unpleasant truth to Jesus. It didn’t. I’d have been the first one to say, “Truth hurts!”

I tend to give my all to whatever my passion (?) is at the time; and that at the expense of other things NOT getting the time and attention they should. Cross-stitch, writing, reading (that one never dies), rubber stamping, God’s Word (that one wavers but never goes away).  Shoot! Even politics—reading everything I could so that I’d vote for the candidates best for our country—AND myself.

Maybe that’s where my passion got a kick-start. Maybe my passion is experiencing a growth spurt because truth seems to be disappearing. Maybe it’s because I see people fall for anything or everything that has the scent of spirituality but little truth that lines up with Christianity—with the words of Christ—the one absolute, unchangeable Truth. Maybe it’s because that one Truth ties other truths together, because it makes all other truths matter, because Jesus is the one Truth that won’t dissolve in fluffy words nor get blown apart in torrential storms.

Maybe I didn’t become a passionate woman at any particular time, or because of any particular circumstance. Perhaps I’ve always been a passionate woman. It’s just so happens that the slow-growing plant is blooming. Perhaps the deep pink tightened bud is opening because I finally realize that I hold a Treasure that I neither need to hide or hoard–a treasure abundant enough to share with anyone and everyone—a treasure that no one can steal or destroy or even diminish!. My treasure, truth, and passion are One—One who will never change—not ever!

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found the one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.” Matthew 13: 45

One day, may my passion be strong enough to swallow all my fears . . . of people, of poverty, of war, of cancer, of pain . . . that day is close BECAUSE HE IS!

Passion grows as I become more and more . . .

Dependent on Him Who is Utterly Dependable,

Lonnie

PASTORS? HAZARDOUS WORK?

"Do you engage in hazardous work?"
Red Cross Nurse
A Long Obedience In The Same Direction

Eugene Peterson, author of The Message, after being asked several other qualifying questions for giving blood, was asked if he engaged in hazardous work.

"I said, 'Yes."

The nurse looked at his clerical collar and smiled,

BUT . . .

My thoughts are that we don't appreciate how true his answer is. We see pastors behind the pulpit; perhaps occasionally in other situations. But, Eugene Peterson's words highlight some of what we miss.

Read on . . . 

"I am put on the spot of being God's defender. I am expected to explain God to his disappointed clients. I am thrust into the role of a clerk in the complaints department of humanity, asked to trace down bad service, listen sympathetically to aggrieved patrons, try to put right any mistakes I can and apologize for the rudeness of the management."

I suspect I've put a pastor or two in that positon. How about you?

I'm, honestly, so grateful for our pastors--and for their wives and families. They give much and sacrifice much. They give their time and their hearts to us, and in their faithfulness to God. Their ministry, no doubt, holds great joys, great answers to prayer, and a crowd of changed lives. I wonder though--runners talk about hitting the wall: enjoying the run, giving it all they have, looking forward to sweet victory-------but hitting that wall of unbelievable pain that they have to push through. Do pastors experience that too?

It's not October, but do me a favor: Appreciate your pastor (s) and church leadership TODAY. As God leads, express it.

As always, I find myself . . . 

Utterly Dependent on Him Who Is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

FEAR OF SILENCE

"I hear a lot of people say that the fear of death and the fear of public speaking are two of the main fears in my generation, but I disagree. I think it's the fear of silence. (emphasis mine) We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phones, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are. We fear silence like it's an invisible monster, gnawing at us, ripping us open, and showing us our dissatisfaction. Silence is terrifying."
Jefferson Bethke
Jesus >Religion  p.5

I don't think it's just Jefferson's generation. I'm pretty sure he's younger than me. Somedays, I feel like everyone is. 8-)

Recently, I was challenged by silence. I determined, for 40 days, to turn off my car radio/cd player. The quiet to and from work would give me time to pray--and to listen.

It was hard!

I discovered that for the same reason I sit in front of the TV--to zone out/escape--I turned music on in the car, or an audio book. I didn't want to think.

Today, I'd probably say that I didn't want to hear my own thoughts. And silence seemed to be an invitation to everything ugly: anger, self-pity, self-righteousness, covetousness, never-ending to-do lists, past hurts and current . . . good grief! Hardly the atmosphere for praying. Yet good time to be with God. We could tackle those things together. I found peace and healing.

When my 40 days were up, I took on some more. It was time for Lent. With a 2 day reprieve, I turned off noise again. I fudged a couple days; and I can tell you why. As soon as I turned on the music, I felt it. It's escape. I don't want to think about that.

Yet, in the second stretch of days, I found myself worshiping . . . singing my own songs, hymns I grew up with or contempory choruses from when I became a Christian. As God prompted, I prayed. As my own heart prompted, I prayed for those I love. 

Easter morning, on the way to church, I told Ray, "Wow! I can turn on the radio!" You know what? It's not so great. I don't miss the silence. I miss God--I miss fellowship with Him, because I am . . . 

Utterly Dependent . . . and liking it,
Lonnie  

WONDERING . . . IS THAT YOU GOD?

"I had read through old letters from my grandparents' German friends during World War II and afterward. I noticed sentences like, 'Hans, how happy you made us! How could you possibly have known that we can't get any suspenders right now?' Or, 'The potatoes arrived just at the right time.' So I asked Grandpa to explain. His answer has remained forever in my mind because of its simplicity: 'When something good that we could do to other people crosses my mind or my wife's, then we just do it. It could be the Lord."
Hanspeter Nuesch
Ruth And Billy Graham p. 259

People often tell me that God doesn't speak to them. But . . . maybe He does. 

At one time, my husband and I would respond to a "wonder" with, "At the risk of not obeying we WILL . . . make the phone call, deliver groceries, go to Rice Lake, Wi, write a note, ask someone if we can pray for them. None of these are big things, but they can make huge differences. 

One time, we "wondered" if we should deliver groceries to some friends who were moving. Now, their income was far greater than ours and so we could have dismissed the possibility of it being God speaking to us. But "at the risk of not obeying," we shopped and delivered. Wow! Not only did they need the groceries after paying closing costs, moving expenses, and waiting for the next check, we bought what was on their grocery list!

Tell me that didn't stoke our faith!

You notice I said, "At One Time, WE  . . . " I want to return to that habit. 

So while I'm challenging myself, I'd like to extend the challenge to you. When someone comes to mind, today (tomorrow, this week, this month) and you're caused to "wonder," . . . DON'T. Don't wonder . . . DO! Who knows that it might be God; you and others might be blessed beyond measure. I promise you/us that our wonderings will add new and exciting dimensions to our lives.

I'd love to hear from you, and about your wonderings.

For me to hear . . . For me to 'do,' I find myself . . . 

Utterly Dependent On Him Who Is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

QUICK FIXES

"As long as we think the next election might eliminate crime and establish justice or another scientific breakthrough might save the environment or another pay raise might push us over the edge of anxiety into a life of tranquility, we are not likely to risk the arduous life of faith."
Eugene Peterson
A Long Obedience In The Same Direction p.25

When Ray hits me with all the evils of the world--or more likely, the present administration 8-) I reply with my "canned answer:" But God is in control.

Part of that is self talk, to shake off my own fear, which rises faster than someone who just realized their alarm never went off. Yet my words are more than a bit hypocritical, as I discovered when I read Peterson's words.

My combined journal entry/prayer reads like this:

This is so me!
God, pull me out of this mire! I keep looking for the Quick Fix . . . the fix that will make me . . .uh . . . no longer dependent on You.

And I wonder, sometimes, why God doesn't answer my prayers? It's not because He doesn't love me. It's because He does. He desires me -- and you -- to remain close to Him; in fellowship with Him . . . dependent so that we experience His strength and His unfathomable --His very personal love for us.

"When the Lord your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you -- a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant--then you eat and are satisfied. BE CAREFUL THAT YOU DO NOT FORGET THE LORD . . .

All the richness of my life is wrapped up in my relationship with the Lord, yet I keep trying to make Him unnecessary. I tell God, often, that I want to be dependent on Him, but I'm honest; I also tell Him that I HATE being dependent on Him. It's the wonder . . . how will He meet this need or desire? It's the wait . . . usually till the last minute. Both require faith. I want Quick Fixes. He wants ME.
But I am LEARNING to be . . . 

Utterly Dependent on Him . . . Who Is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie  

DEATH OF A CHILD

"How many children do you have?" What do I say, "four" or "five"? " "Five" I usually say. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I do not."
Nicholas Wolterstorff
Lament For A Son p.62

Age doesn't matter. A child is a child. Wolterstorff's son was twenty-five. He could have been three, or sixteen . . . or 60 . . . or unborn. It's a pain I can't imagine and one I don't want to.

Lament For A Son is an incredible book. Unlike many grief books, it owns few pages and those pages own few words. I've always wondered at even 150 pages. Who, with endless tears and a pain in their chest, can read word after word after word with answers that maybe worked for "someone?"

Nicolas Wolterstorff writes from the middle of his grief. How does one answer, "Will the whole family be home for Easter?" How does one pray for protection for his remaining children when . . . one somehow escaped the protection that was prayed for him? How does one repond to people who are afraid that they, themselves, will break down -- but instead, put on a brave face? Wolterstorff would say, "Your tears are salve on our wound, your silence is salt."

However, he would also say that if you can't think of anything to say, say that: "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that i'm hurting with you."

Whatever my trial might be, my heart sighs with relief and great appreciation when I pick up a book and read words that mirror my feelings. SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS! When they makes themselves vulnerable by sharing their pain and their faith questions, I don't feel so alone. I don't feel so picked on. I actually experience a seed of hope being watered with an ever-so-gentle rain. 

Whether you've experienced the overwhelming grief of losing a child -- or of anyone you love, I think you will find comfort and encouragement in Wolterstroff's book. And for sure, you will better understand how to minister to those with iron weights on their heart. 

Whether grieving myself--or trying to bring comfort to someone whose heart is torn with grief, I find myself  . . . 

Utterly Dependent on Him Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

DIY REVIVAL

" . . . Gypsy's (Gypsy Smith: old time evangelist) secret was revealed to a delegation of revival seekers, who asked him how God could use them just as He was using Gypsy. Without hestitation, Gypsy said, "Go home. Lock yourself in your room. Kneel down in the middle of the floor, and with a piece of chalk draw a circle around yourself. There, on your knees, pray fervently and brokenly that God would start a revival within that circle."
Mark Batterson
The Circle Maker p.217

I admit, I started "The Circle Maker" with undisguised reservation. I expected another hokey, non-Biblical gimmick for prayer. But, I have to say, I learned much about seeking God's will and persevering.

I began (Discipline has to begin, and sometimes grows slowly.) to pray very specifically for people and situations--using God's Word as my guide. This morning, I added yet another Scripture prayer for myself. I felt like this prayer experiment was failing. My intention was to pray for "others."

Then I remembered the above story. Perhaps I was on the right track after all. The Scripture I added to my prayer journal, for myself, was John 15: 4-5. I'm asking God to help me abide in Him, that I might bear fruit. I pray Psalm 1: 1-3 for my daughter and myself--again for help in meditating on God's Word that we might bear fruit.

For a week or so, I've been praying from Jeremiah 10:24: Correct me, but with justice; not in your anger . . . and from Proverbs 3: 11-12 asking God to help me to not despise His chastening or detest His correction, because those are proof of His love.

So, it seems that God "has" been highlighting verses and directing my prayers. It seems, as Gypsy Smith has suggested, that God wants revival to begin in me. My prayer journal isn't too far off. It's becoming a Do It Yourself Revival.

God, may it be so, and yet know that I cannot really do it myself because I am . . .

Utterly Dependent on You, Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME

"If you want to see us, you know where to find us."
Mom

Mom and Dad bought a trailer and spent warm-weather-weekends parked in a campground near Hayward, Wisconsin--3 hours away from us. "If you want to see us, you know where to find us." At the time, Mom's words hurt. My husband's back injury prevented us from traveling 3 hours there and 3 hours back. And, we couldn't afford to stay overnight.

That being said, Mom's expression isn't uncommon, and it may be understood two different ways: "I'm there for you, wherever, whenever. . . (Or) . . . I'm only semi-available."

In my early twenties, Mom invited me to call collect (reverse the charges) whenever I wanted to. I took advantage of that many many times; often in tears. She was always there. She paid to listen to me cry! She was a woman of wisdom, and she paid to share it with me.

Today, I have a friend who listens to silence while tears fall down my face, and when gasping for breath won't let me talk. Our relationship says, from either of us to the other, "If you need me, you know where to find me." I text. She texts back: "Need to talk? Can we take a couple minutes to pray?"

"If you need me . . . you know where to find me."

I can't help think about my relationship with God--My side and His. I'm afraid that sometimes, though I'd never say it out loud, my attitude is, "If You want me, You know where to find me." It's not that He is unimportant to me . . . it's just that I've got so much to do. My list is . . . long.

Then I think of God. What a different story! 

"Come near to Me and I will come near to you." (James 4:8 NIV slightly paraphrased)

"He who keeps you will not slumber. " (Psalm 121: 3b NKJV)

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NIV)

No matter the time--No matter the situation--good news, bad news, tears, smiles, just to spend time with Him--He's there. Always there!

I need only to whisper the name of Jesus or turn my thoughts toward God, and He is there; ever allowing me to be . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

NOT AFRAID TO LAUGH

" All these years her immediate reaction has been to throw herself on the Lord and the Scriptures. As a child I (Gigi) remember her leaving her Bible open in a prominent place, so she could just get a verse every now and then."
Hanspeter Nuesch
Ruth and Billy Graham  p. 108

No matter what part of the world Billy was in, he also kept his Bible open. For him, an open Bible expressed his desire to stay connected to God.

Yet, with Ruth and Billy's serious committment to God's Word, Cliff Barrows and his wife portray Ruth as a woman who was "tremendously fun." Ruth's childhood is described as a happy one. "The Bells (Ruth's family) laughed a lot; this positive atmosphere had a great deal to do with the parents' strong faith."

How often do you associate laughter with faith? Yet, if we trust God with the details of our lives, rather than thinking that "we" have to fix every problem of our own and everyone else's, won't the absence of worry give room for laughter?

And if laughter punctuates our days, won't we be easier to live with? And won't unbelievers more likely be drawn to us? Won't WE be happier?

A picture of Ruth, from an earlier book about the Grahams, comes to mind. She is climbing on the roof to get to Franklin's room. As I recall, Franklin's door was locked and it was past time for him to get up. Ruth crawled along the roof, into his window, and threw water in his face. Please tell me you're laughing. I love that picture! My mom would too; only she'd be sorry that she didn't come up with the idea herself.

I want to follow Ruth's model--to be a serious student of God's Word--to be someone who, like her, is committed with every fiber of my being

YET

NOT AFRAID TO LAUGH!

And, I can if I remain . . .

Utterly Dependent On Him Who Is Utterly Dependable!
Lonnie

NOT DEFEND MYSELF?!

"His dependence on God also allowed him to remain calm even when criticized. Graham once noted in his diary that his greatest victory was that his Lord had given him the strength not to defend himself but to pray for those who criticized him unjustly. He usually felt a deep peace as a result."
Hanspeter Nuesch
Ruth and Billy Graham   p. 98


Not defend myself?! I can't even imagine. In fact, I've warned my husband and a couple friends whose opinions I greatly value: "I WILL defend myself. BUT given a little time, I'll think about what you've said and likely change my actions/behavior."

Even as I write this, I've been criticized--unjustly. I did defend myself. And I'm still defending myself--in my mind. I am NOT experiencing the peace that Billy experiences. Because I haven't turned it over to God. I haven't prayed for that person.

But it's not too late. I'll start TODAY.  

Ruth and Billy very intentionally refrained from participating in the criticism of spiritual brothers and sisters. Ruth felt that "Satan trembles when he sees the weakest believer upon his knees but that he laughs without restraint when saints bash other saints." 

The Graham's response to attacks, toward them, was to turn the matter over to God and go about the ministry God had called them to.

We've heard it said that "we" are the only Bible some people will read. In reading this incredible book by Hanspeter Nuesch, I'm getting a real sense of what that looks like. Millions have been blessed by the ministry of the whole Graham family; but I suspect the greater blessing might be in the way they lived their lives behind the mininstry.

I expect to spend a couple or few blogs with the Grahams. I've so much to learn from them. And what I write about, I remember.

As I close today's blog,  I remind myself that I cannot live this Christian life in my own power. I was never meant to. I am created to be . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him Who Is  Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

UTTERLY DEPENDENT

"If I am prayerful, God makes me prayerful; if I have graces, they are God's gifts to me; if I hold a consistent life, it is because He upholds me with His hand . . . Do I live before men a consecrated life? It is not I, but Christ who liveth in me . . . Do I feed on the Word? That Word would be no food for me unless the Lord made it food for my soul and helped me to feed upon it."
Charles Spurgeon
Morning By Morning

I am both encouraged and convicted.

The conviction is familiar: pride.

As a new Christian, I was apparently (and rightly) told that I needed to memorize God's Word. Well, I was a poor student. I still am. That's why I "buy" books . . . so I can underline, highlight, and write notes in the margin. That's also why I work at the library. I can take books for a test-drive and not waste money on ones that head different directions than I expect.

At any rate, in those early Christian days, I asked God to help me read the Bible so much that it would become very familiar. I imagine that I miss Bible reading no more than one day a year. And, sometimes, I wonder how people can struggle so to have a Quiet Time. But you see . . . my Bible reading, my consistency is a Prayer Answer! Spurgeon would agree: "Whatever I have, all my goodness is of the Lord alone."

David would agree: "My goodness is nothing apart from You." (Ps. 16: 2b)

I can take no credit. I can offer up much thanksgiving to the God who makes my life rich with His Word.

I'm encouraged, too. The Christian life requires many disciplines--many of which I fail miserably. But if God is the Source; if He gives the strength and ability. I am not hopeless. I am just growing. I am just . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him Who Is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

FOR CHARACTER'S SAKE?

" . . . I've yet to find Jesus saying to the afflicted, 'The reason you suffer from hemorrhage  (or paralysis or leprosy) is that God is working to build your character.' Jesus did not lecture such people; he healed them."

Philip Yancey
The Question That Never Goes Away

I would love your thoughts on this one.

 I don't remember the exact context of sermons, but I may have left church with the impression that the crises of my life were, indeed, for my character building. And it seemed that Romans 5: 3-4 provided further proof:

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

So, part of me agreed with Yancey; a large part of me wanted to. But, there was still that verse . . .

I re-read Yancey's page a few times. He even mentioned Romans 5; but he did so from a different angle.

"When they wrote to believers who were unjustly persecuted for their faith, Paul, James, and Peter stressed suffering's redemptive value (emphasis mine).

I think I can deal with that. What seems to change is the origin of the struggle--the suffering. From one side, God causes the struggle to produce character. From the the other side, He uses the struggle for our good.

In the last two or three years, I've heard more and read more about the Christian Struggle. As strange as it sounds, I've been encouraged. I guess I have begun to take the pain less personally--less like God is picking on me.

While I reread and rethink Yancey's words, I ponder the change it makes in my relationship with God. Who I am more likely to approach? Who am I more likely to feel loved by? Who will I be more desirous of pleasing? I think the God of compassion and infinite understanding, rather than the one who causes pain to "teach me a lesson."

God, You are amazing and I am . . .

Utterly and Gratefully Dependent on You,

Lonnie

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

" I wonder," he pondered, "if Dan ever considered what I would be like if I wasn't a praying man." (emphasis mine)
Henri Nouwen/Sue Mosteller
The Only Necessary Thing

Dan accused Henri of preaching beautiful theories, but not living them. Because Henri was unable to stop and talk with Dan, when he asked, he called Henri rude and selfish; then added, "And you are supposedly a man of prayer." 

Sue found Henri drinking coffee and crying.

The truth hurt. But Dan's comments stung!

However, somewhere in his ponderings, Henri must have awakened to another truth. He wasn't all he should be . . . but he was better than he used to be.

Me too, because God allows me to be . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him,
Lonnie

SHEEP, SMILES, AND JAMES T.

"The issue is never, 'Are you qualified?' The issue is always, 'Are you called?'

I make this distinction between qualified and called with aspiring writers all the time. Too many authors worry about whether or not their book will get published. That isn't the question. The question is this: Are you called to write? That's the only question you need to answer. And if the answer is yes, then you need to write the book as an act of obedience. It doesn't matter whether anyone reads it or not."
Mark Batterson
The Circle Maker

I'm out praying today.

I AM writing a book. It's about sheep. Well, sort of. It's really about me--and you too.
"We all, like sheep . . . " Isaiah 53:6
"We are his people, the sheep of his pasture . . . " Psalm 100: 3

I've read every book I can find on sheep, with more emphasis on those without Christian leanings. I wanted to see what the relationship was between shepherds and their sheep. It's been a sweet journey. Every time I pick up one of those books (I HAD to buy them.), I feel enveloped in a strange sort of contentment and in God's love. 

So the book,  We . . . Like Sheep, is a devotion book.

Years ago, I wrote a children's book for a writing class: To Catch A Smile. I love this book. It's about Jacob who considers himself way too boring for Jesus to want to spend time with him. He hides behind a tree and watches other children play with Jesus. It was some time before I realized that "I" am Jacob.

James T. Now, there's a fellow you can't help but like. He's a cross between Mr. Green Jeans off of Captain Kangaroo and my husband, Ray. He always travels with his dog; his first adventure being to a town with no signs. Not a sign anywhere, including store fronts. He accidentally walks into a dress shop and quickly backs out before answering the lady's question: "How do I look in this dress?" He visits another town without manners; people don't even know what manners are!

Yup. James T. and I are buddies. Though I haven't pulled him out of the file for a while, he makes me smile.

Batterson's quote could be discouraging, I suppose. Yet, more than discouragement, I accept his words as permission. I absolutely feel "called" to write; and so I will. 

 My prayers aren't whether I "should" write; they are more about asking what I should do with what I write. There are some huge hurdles toward publishing. That world has changed a lot since I had articles and children's stories published in magazines.

And so I pray, because I am . . . 

Utterly Dependent on Him Who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

MORE AGONY THAN ECSTASY

Michelangelo: "Your Grace, I will give you actual drawings of the pietra serena doors, windows, pilasters, columns, niches, cornices. Then I will build models in wood exactly the size the tombs are to be. I will put on them the proposed statues in clay, made to size and finished exactly as they are to be."

Cardinal Giulio: "That will take considerable time. The Holy Father is in a hurry."
Irving Stone
The Agony and the Ecstasy

Ray is my Michelangelo. I am Cardinal Giulo--in a hurry.

One of the biggest take-aways, for me, within the 758 pages (!!) of The Agony and the Ecstasy is the preparation behind Michelangelo's masterpieces. The mixing of paints for the Sistine Chapel involved the preciseness of science. When he painted the fresco of the chapel, it could not be dry; but rather had to be a certain degree of dampness for the paint to adher. Thus he could only work on small portions at a time, and at the same time preventing seams between one day's work and the next. 

 Drawings and plans preceded the actual work. Besides that, much preparation took place in Michelangelo's thoughts and heart; which means we can barely appreciate his paintings and sculptures until we know some of the backstory.

Did you know that Michelangelo dissected corpses to determine how muscles worked beneath the skin, and to give the most accurate expression of motion? Oooh. Stone was a bit too descriptive for me. I finally skipped a couple pages. But you get the idea. Preparation . . . more agony than ecstasy!

I hate it! I want to get the project done and get on to the next one. We have plenty.

When we paint walls, Ray fills nail holes (even ones that will hold the same nail and picture when we're done). He fills dents made by furniture, and patiently waits for the putty to dry. He insists that we prime. He insists on putting plastic down--ever so meticulously. He tapes the baseboards--again, ever so meticulously. Amidst my irritation and impatience, I've told him that if he goes first, painting won't be done his way.

And it won't look the same, either! There's a reason we know about Michelangelo. It's his persuit of excellence. And while I'm not up for the competition, I'm guessing anyone of you could tell the difference between a room Ray painted and one I've painted. I'm learning.  

Pick your craft--quilting, painting cars, embroidery, photography, woodworking, knitting. Preparation and attention to details makes the difference. 

This is not my personality. I want the pretty without the pain. So I am . . . 

Utterly Dependent on Him who is Utterly Dependable,
Lonnie

CO-DEPENDENT . . . STILL

"In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes from achievement.

"Our fear of failure helped us to be irresponsible . . . "
Karen Casey
Each Day A New Beginning

Okay, this is NOT where I planned to go. I've been reading an incredible book by Philip Yancy. I perused my underlines and prayed about what I should post today. The sense I got was that I was looking at the wrong book.

I have keys in all my journals: P for prayer, PA for prayer answer, etc., etc., and UT for Ultra Transparency--for times when I'm just putting me out there, without mascara and blush, if you will. This entry qualifies for UT.

House Projects. They are NOT done.

A man from CODA (Codependents Anonymous) got me to thinking. He shared how he procrastinated with certain things because he was afraid he wouldn't like the outcome. Oh wow! Got that right!

I'd realized, already, that I had several craft projects, unfinished. Why? I had put SO MUCH time into them, what if I screwed up (irrepairably) at the very end? Well, I suppose not finishing prevents screw-ups; but it also prevents using the quilt or shawl that I've started.

As I read the above quote, I thought of house projects. One of our undone projects is carpet. We've needed it for a good decade. But . . . what if? The What Ifs will get you every time.

What if we choose the wrong colour? We cannot afford a redo; we'll be stuck with ugliness forever. OR, what if we pick poor quality? Then it "won't" last "forever," which of course is our hope and intention.

Codependents often don't trust their decisions. Add to that, I grew up with, "If you don't take care of this one, you won't get another." Unfortunately, I put those words in God's mouth. I expect that if I do something wrong, punishment and shame are sure to follow.

But Good News! God's been growing me for years toward seeing Him as a loving Father. And now, CODA is helping me recognize the roots of some of my thoughts so that I can pull them out and replace them with truth.

Speaking of which . . . CODA starts in 15 minutes. Gotta Run. Till next time, I am . . .

Utterly Dependent on Him (and He is Utterly Dependable),
Lonnie

BORROWED WORDS . . . CHANGING AGAIN.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Ecclesiastes 3: 1 NIV

The book I'm reading says it's natural for blogs to evolve--and so mine shall.

I've tossed all my handwritten note cards.

 I've recycled several of my political books. That was a great season! I learned so much.

I'm in several seasons now:

Recovery: (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families; Codependents Anonymous)

Prayer

Psalms

Classics: (Last year, I read The Grapes of Wrath. I am, now, within 20 pages of finishing The Agony and the Ecstasy: Novel of Michelangelo.

All topics will still revolve around "borrowed words." I love words and the colours people create in their use of them. 

I'm so hoping that you will join me in my journeys--that you'll find yourself nodding your head, laughing, being convicted, feeling awestruck by God's love, finding hope along with reason and strength to persevere.

Because one thing that permeates every day of my life and every lesson that I learn is this:

I AM UTTERLY DEPENDENT (AND MY GOD IS UTTERLY DEPENDABLE!)
Lonnie